English Grammar Vs English Grammer

They were searching for English Grammer...everywhere, with great urgency. Helpful soul that I am, I wanted to help. I interrupted my lecture, and asked...

"Will the real Mr or Ms English Grammer please stand up?"

"I think there aren't any present...at least no one here."

O.K. then. By the way...

No BTWs for me! You'll soon see how ignorant
I am of these things!

My daughter's two-thumb texting at litnng (sic) speed (or is it ltng spd?) is full of BTWs and FYIs and LOLs and AFAIKs and ROTFLs...

Ah! there she's lying (saying untruth I mean). I don't see her rolling on the floor at all!

Oh! I got carried away. All that I said was BTW! You understand, don't you?

Back to this floor...for I have the floor now. Understand? Don't be afraid, I am not planning to filibuster.

Innocent and straight question coming...

"Will the real Mr or Ms Grammer please stand up?"

A little BTW again...(Is English, male or female? I don't know. (I left it out of the question this time; see!)

Ah! There they stand up. Hopefully, real ones. Not one, not two...but seven...seven Grammers but not a single English Grammer.

Seven of them...
actor, actress, folk singers, lawyer, senator, WOW!

Seven of them...perfect number...a number I always liked. (Whenever I ask my students to guess the random number I write on the palm of my hand, they always guess correctly. Seven!)

There stand our seven...

Seven of them on the floor of Wikipedia.

There are four Mr Grammers and three Ms Grammers...and I never knew they existed! My!

Ignorance is bliss, they say...so it has been for me, as you can see.

But you knew Grammer existed somewhere, didn't you? I didn't.

You mean to say there even is a place that goes by the name of Grammer? In the State of Indiana, is it? In good ol' U.S. of America!

I've heard your kind of "even" before, somewhere...BTW.

I got it! I remember.

"There even are places where English completely disappears.
In America they haven't used it for years!"

Not my words...YEAH, THEM WORDS, NOT MINE.

But from good ol' dear Professor Higgins happily annoyed at good ol' darling Eliza Dolittle!

And now my words, words, words...

Please don't get sick of them.

(O.K., but keep them words real short, Denzil, will you?)

"If Eliza Dolittle could, you can...whatever she could!

Don't be afraid even to aim at the perfect English of the perfect Ms Meryl Streep!"

Long before reaching that milestone, I assure you...
you will discover the incompatibility that caused the Grammer Vs Grammar War!

It's the e and a that keep the war going. You can't keep a "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" type of attitude and expect the war to end.

Need I say more?

I needn't, but...

I will.

You wanted to side with Grammar and unknowingly you took the wrong side.

And see how much you have lost. You couldn't discover my great site!

BTW, We are getting waylaid again...I've grown accustomed to BTW. It's highs, its lows are second nature to me now!

Back to work. Where the devil are my slippers, BTW!

My question (Seriously this time!): Will there ever be an English Grammer?

Nobody is answering. So I answer:

Someday, somewhere, somebody (whose surname is Grammer) might name his or her son or daughter "English".

Until then, I'm afraid, there'll be no English Grammer....Sad, don't you think?

Until then...?

Until then, be not unduly distressed. Console yourself that I, your well-wisher, helper and guide, know something called English Grammar.
It is the SOUL of the English language, the language you love.

To find out what it is...

Go from English Grammer to What is English Grammar
or
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